Still a wreck!

I couldn't stop crying yesterday. Everything made me think of my dad, especially lunch at my brother's house. It was so sad to have Dad's seat empty and it made me miss him so much. Not a day goes by that I don't shed a few tears. I guess emotions will be on the surface for a while. Today was better. I was at Mom's early and found out that her home health nurse had told her this morning that she needed the doctor to look at her foot. Looks like an infection has set in and she is a diabetic who has lots of trouble with her feet. She will see the doc tomorrow morning. I picked up some more pecans and then took 70 pounds to be cracked. Looks like lots of them were no good inside, but Mom will pick out the good ones.

"nuf said! What a bunch of MORONS!

My diversion!

Today, I went out with friends and it was a wonderfully, delicious diversion. Four of us visited the grand opening of a new apartment and retail center called The Villagio. It's all upscale and very nice. We then went to the Boardwalk in Bossier City and sat on the patio of Copeland's Cheesecake Bistro and drank margaritas and ate 4 different appetizers. It was great relaxation for me and a great way to focus on something new for a change. Didn't even get to Mom's today, but she was glad I was able to focus on something else and be with my friends. She is a saint and I love her so much. She told one of my friends that she had the two best children in the world. AWWWWW!

One hurdle passed!

Last night my family went to Dad's favorite catfish restaurant. That's where "his girlfriend" is a waitress. It was hard! She was happy to see us, but sad that we chose a table for 4. Dad always paid for our meal and was delighted to do so. Last night Mom was going to continue that tradition because she said Dad would want her to. Last night the owners of the restaurant comped our meal in honor of our dad. They miss him, too!

Life goes on....

I commandeered my neighbor's yard crew and got them to do my yard just this once. Being totally committed to my dad for the last month got me way behind on things at my own home. The yard is something I do myself because I am kind of anal about it being perfect, but today I just needed help. My house is almost clean as well.

I got yet another beautiful bromeliad today with two blooms from a friend who just found out about my dad. It is beautiful and means so much to me. My garage is full of flowers that I have to find a place for, but never fear, I will. The debt on the new building at my dad's church is being reduced daily with memorial donations. They built the building for 1 million dollars and had a 300,000 down payment. Their debt is down to $50,000 in about 3 years. AMAZING!

Going, going, gone....

 I was very impressed that every last one of my first cousins from both sides of my family came to my dad's funeral. Even one from Virginia and one from Florida. Also, a dear friend came from South Carolina and another couple of dear friends from my old home town of Orange, Texas. My friends ROCK! They have helped me get through this and that includes my online friends that I haven't even met face to face and my Facebook friends, who have shown me so much affection with their notes of condolence to me. Four of my Thursday lunch friends were there as well and I didn't even know it until they sent me emails after the service. Those who were unable to come have sent flowers and memorials to my dad's church. I am very blessed with awesome friends.

I have already taken my ambien, so it could kick it before I finish this post. At least, I hope it kicks in sometime. Ambien is not as successful at making me sleep as I had hoped. Last night I tried xanax and that didn't work so well either. Tonight I am already stressing because it was last Wednesday night at 11:45 that I got the call that daddy was gone...only 3 hours after I had left him just knowing I had seen him alive for the last time. I miss him so much.

Perfect goodbye to Daddy...

We laid my dad to rest yesterday in a beautiful little cemetery down in the country with my mom's family. Since he helped start the volunteer fire department in his little town and my brother is currently the fire chief, a fire truck led the processional to the cemetery. As we passed the local post office, we saw that the American flag was flying at half mast in honor of my dad. That was a very moving sight. The service was absolutely perfect. I would not have changed one thing or one word that my high school friend and neighbor said about my dad or one thing his minister said. Both of them spoke so eloquently and I had made a CD over a year ago of Larry Gatlin singing,"In the Garden" which was played during the service. That song always makes me think of Dad.Dad had told me a few weeks ago what song he wanted sung at his funeral and who he wanted to sing it. It was exactly as he had requested. I have brought my dad's ambien home with me and tonight I am hoping for some deep sleep.

See you on the other side, Daddy.

Dad's Obituary

Daddy's gone

Daddy's gone. He went to his heavenly home last night at 12:30. I miss him dearly already, but I know he is in a place better than all of us. As I left his side last night and started to drive to my home, I started crying and I said out loud to no one....I have seen my daddy for the last time.

The right thing!

Mom, Brother and I made a decision to have an ambulance transport Dad back home to his own bed and call in hospice. We did that today and I feel confident we did the right thing. Hospice has already been there and supplied us with morphine and ativan drops to just put in his mouth to help him rest. He has had no food today and hasn't asked for any. The swallowing problem is still an issue, so we just put ice in his mouth when he wants water. The sitter is with him at home and Mom is sleeping, I hope. After a restless night last night, I am about to go to bed and hope for some sleep tonight. My heart hurts.

One step backwards...

Dad was unable to swallow today and we are pretty sure he aspirated. He choked a lot, so he is getting zero nutrition. Nothing works to help him rest...even the knock out shot last night failed. Tonight he had morphine. I would not let Mom and brother leave me tonight until the sitter got there. Usually they go on home and I wait for the sitter to come at 8:30, but tonight I was afraid. They waited with me. My brother broke down and cried today in the room. I'm tired!!!!!

Update

Dad still in hospital. I'm tired. Upside is I lost 8 pounds. Gotta find the positive somewhere!

What next?

We had an ambulance bring Dad to the hospital yesterday. I thought he had a small stroke because when we tried to get him walking back to his room after sitting up a long time, his right leg was just sort of flopping. After we got him back to bed, he wanted to pee every 5 minutes, but couldn't even get up enough to get to the potty chair. After his wetting the bed twice and constantly calling for Mom, who had already been up with him all night, I just called an ambulance. Mom can't deal with this any more. Don't know what the next step is...probably hospice and sitters. The sitter we had lined up for last night came and sat with him at the hospital and we all got to go to our respective homes and rest. She is coming again tonight to the hospital. What a blessing she is, but we have some big decisions to make. Every day I pray that this will be the day God takes him home. I guess I'm selfish and don't want to make the hard decisions. Going to try to rest a few minutes while my brother is at the hospital. I was there at 6:30 this morning and someone brought Mom at 10. She is still there.

Thank you, God!

I got to Mom's this morning while the lady who does Dad's  bath and shaves him was there, but the home health nurse had already been there. Home health gave Mom an ultimatum...either we get a sitter or she would get one for us. She was serious, too! I called the lady who had already said she would do it and she came and met with Mom and me. She starts tomorrow night at 10 - 6 and I am so grateful. We know that she is honest because we know several others she has sat with including my aunt until she died. We are setting her up in their living room,which they never use anyway, and it is right next to Dad's room. My brother and I set up a TV and a recliner in there today and the baby monitor works great, so she can use that and not have to be in the room with him. I think Mom is relieved to have her Tuesday-Friday. There is another lady that I think we can get when we need someone for the other 3 nights. I told Dad today that the home health nurse said we must get Mom some help. He didn't say anything, so I think he probably didn't hear me. While the sitter was there making plans with us, the home health nurse who was there earlier called to see if we were getting help. I told her "thank you" for telling Mom that we must do this and that we were hiring someone at that moment.I think I might even sleep well tonight.

WTH!

I am just mad now! My dad walked all the way back to my mom's room to tell her he didn't think our getting a sitter was the answer! He said he wouldn't have any privacy....hell, he doesn't have any privacy now, and she told him that.I asked her if he had an answer, but , of course, he has no clue what this is doing to her. He is only thinking of himself. What it tells me is that he hears a lot more than we think he does. We never talked to him about a sitter, but we have discussed it while he is  in the room thinking he could not hear. His making a comment like that is going to make Mom even more reluctant to let us get a sitter a night. She is just exhausted and is just  not able to do all the things she has to do for him. Yesterday he was all cross ways on his bed and made no effort to right himself and while she was trying to move him around, she fell. Had to call brother to come get her up. Today he fell again. We don't know what he is doing when he falls. Mom thinks he is trying to move the potty chair, which she has told him to leave alone. I don't know what to do. I bought a baby monitor today and have been trying it out here at my home. Works great, so I will set it up there tomorrow. I just pray that he doesn't kill my mom, too!

I'm here!

I should never be AWOL for 3 days because it makes my out of town friends think that my dad has died. Not true...I have just been lazy and there have been no changes. He doesn't get any better, but he doesn't get worse either. Today I took him out for his walk after he had a few bites of lunch and he did OK. My brother told me that Dad barely made it back last night when he went for his walk. Brother had to help him back in the house more than usual. On the plus side, he has not fallen since Tuesday night and that was before my brother went to bed. The baby monitor we borrowed so Mom could hear him at night has too much static in it so we can't use it. I guess I'll go buy one.

This afternoon I helped prepare finger foods for a wine and beer tasting fundraiser for our krewe tonight. All the fruit was bought at Sam's and we had the biggest seedless grapes I have ever seen. I must go tomorrow and get some. The venue is Orleans on Main in downtown Minden because the owner of the venue is also a krewe member. The tables were decorated by another member who also owns a business called The Butterfly Garden here in Minden. Each table has a different theme with things from her shop and each one is awesome. It will be a beautiful night. I just hope people show up. There was no RSVP so we didn't know how many to prepare for.

Denial mode today!

Today has been another one of my special be a slug days. Nothing got done but nap after nap after nap. I guess I am in full denial that I need to be at Mom and Dad's checking on them and taking care of them, but I haven't been and I haven't called. I'm sure my brother would have called me if he thought I needed to be there. It's been raining all day, so we couldn't take Dad out for his walks.

Finally, late this afternoon I fried some perch and took some to my aunt (Dad's sister), who is in an assisted living facility right down from my house.

Just funny!

The guy who does this is a graduate of the school in Texas where I taught and his mom is a friend of mine. He is mostly known as Shirley Q Liquor.

What REALLY happened to the dinosaurs!!!!!

OMG....what to do!

Not only is my dad dying, but he is killing my mom as well. I went down this morning to stay with him so she could go to the hairdresser. When I got there, she was lying down. She said Dad fell again last night and busted his head open. She doesn't even know why he was out of his room because he has a potty chair right beside his bed, but he fell in the hall headed back to his room and the walker was on top of him. Mom and my brother got him patched up, but my brother said it really needed stitches. Mom spent the rest of the night sitting up in a recliner in his room. She is soooooo not able to do that. When I got there, she canceled her appointment and went to lie down. I told her I would stay there and I wanted her to go sleep. She didn't stay down long, but I got some lunch for both of them, took him for his walk and made her go back to her bed to rest. Dad doesn't remember any of what happened last night. Tonight she took his walker out of his room. He can't go anywhere without it. She ALMOST consented to my getting a sitter at night when I asked her this morning...but not quite. I talked to my brother about it tonight and he wasn't sure how Dad would handle that. I told him that Dad didn't have a "say" in this decision. We have to save Mom! He has already complained about the lady we got to help with the housework. Mom told him to "get over it"...she needed help! Good for her!